I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Labels: funny, humor, quotes
I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my dogs and was in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!
I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no that I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying into it I told her that it was an easy inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.
Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and if that was why I ended up in the hospital.
I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.
I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
Labels: diet, dog, funny, health
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
Labels: funny, humor, memory, old age
With every new pronouncement made by nutrition experts, it is becoming more and more difficult for Americans to obtain a simple, clear answer to what is, for most of us, the key question about our diets: "How can I avoid exercise and eat lots of fatty foods and yet still have the body of a fashion model?"
For men, of course, there is some flexibility--they don't necessarily want to look like fashion models, they just want to date fashion models. But women are bombarded with sexy images of female bodies from all directions, making it sound as if every product manufactured in the world can be enjoyed only if you are made of two-percent body fat.
Grimly, women face the mirror and pledge that they will deny themselves nearly all food but not chocolate. They will eat no desserts unless it is someone's birthday or something, and they will order nothing off a menu unless it contains the words "Chicken Caesar."
On the other hand, most male weight-loss plans consist of lying to their wives about what they really had for lunch. But studies have shown that (a) many, if not most, American men need to go on a diet, and (b) men don't care about (a). Men reason that since it is easier for them to lose weight than it is for women, they don't need to bother with it.
To aid dieters of all known genders, I've researched the current data on weight loss and condensed it here, in a handy, eight-point guide. Rule # 1:
Apparently, there is some relationship between how often you open your mouth and how often you put food into it. To reduce your caloric consumption, try keeping your lips together, especially when you are in the presence of a cheese cake. Rule # 2:
There seems to be some disagreement among scientists over what causes fat. It has been noted that chubby laboratory rats who are fed a steady diet of ice cream sundaes seem unreasonably joyful--so perhaps experiencing pleasure causes weight gain. You might find that you can drop pounds by deliberately being unhappy. Coincidentally, I can think of no better way to make yourself miserable than to go around hungry all the time, so you're in luck. Rule # 3:
Dieters should remember that proteins, fats, and carbohydrates are the building blocks of life and should be avoided at all costs. Rule # 4:
Some people argue that the healthiest diet is the one on which our species lived when we resided in caves and had to go everywhere on foot, even to the drive-thru windows. We were scavengers then, feeding off the fresh kills left by wolves. To emulate this diet in modern times, track a couple of loose dogs through your neighborhood and then steal and eat whatever they pull out of the trash cans.
You'll lose weight! Rule # 5:
Chewing actually burns calories. The more you chew, the more you lose weight. The more you eat, the more you chew. Seems pretty logical to me. Rule # 6:
Food is the fuel our bodies burn in order to enable us to do physical things like using the television remote. To lose weight, consider alternative sources of energy, like solar panels, or wind power. (Remember those beanie caps with the propellers on top?) Rule # 7:
My cat is very thin. It licks its fur all day and then once a week throws up on the carpet. This would probably work for people, too, though I don't want to be the first one on my block to try it. Rule # 8:
Probably the biggest problem is when you go back for second helpings at every meal. Avoid this temptation by loading your plate with enough food the first time around.
The goal here is to get to the point where you feel good about your body whenever you see your reflection. But nothing will work if you don't have the courage and resolve to stick to a diet.
Or, barring that, to get rid of your mirrors. www.wbrucecameron.com
Labels: diet, funny